|Tuesday, November 18th, 2008|
it has come to my attention that I've kinda lost touch with a lot of people. there are very few friends that i could tell you whats going on in there lives which all of a sudden feels really strange.
when i had a friend that called me asking if i was taking clients and that he was going into surgery i was kinda taken back.
i do realize at the time i was a bit of a head case and i think at the time most of us were and i don't like the way things ended but i did have to happen i guess.
i guess with the holidays coming up i'd really like to here what everyone is doing now a days.
|Sunday, May 11th, 2008|
i hate you vista
let me count the ways
ya aparently "my documents" was to long so vista's new update changed the "my documents" to documents. problem is everything in my documents is gone and now i have to re-install all my programs and reset all my settings.
thank you vista you finally gave me the reason i needed to go back to windows
|Thursday, May 1st, 2008|
after watching yet another musical tonight i realized how much i missed the art center at COD. It was the only place where you could...
1. burst into song and have ten other people sing backup and nobody looking at you funny cause this was the art center.
2. where you could be a zombie, vampire, slayer, singer, actress or just plain so up in last years Halloween costume and everyone figures your preping for something artsy.
3. you can run down the hall with someone chasing you with a stage prop yelling "HE'S GONNA KILL ME!!!" and nobody calls the cops...not that the geese police could get there in time anyway
4. where you got to see everyone every day and know that you weren't the only one going threw hell.
5. see the same smiling faces at the art center cafe. RIP Gail.
now its your turn to add to the list and repost. Current Mood: optimistic
|Wednesday, October 24th, 2007|
i drempt i was in the back room of my house again my white candle was the only form of light in the room. andy was there with me. we were talking. my dad was on the edge of the room. his preasence was very dark. it faded into one of the back rooms. i went back to talking with andy and his eyes swiched. almost like a dogs eye. white and lumanuse. his sholders kinda hunched over and he flashed his teeth at me and went under the desk. i thought i'd leave him alone. dan's presence came in he was sitting on the couch not saying anything. my dads presence came back to with the white eyes. another male presence in the form of a cabus train flew into the room "and theres still room in my cabus for one more to say." i freaked out and dove under the desk.
i woke up and my room was twisted and i swore my door was open even when its closed. just a very dark heavy preasence. Current Mood: scared
|Friday, October 5th, 2007|
so i have a delema...
my buddy is back from the Army on leave. He told me about alot of the women and booze stories as well as other common things in army life. though i wanted to try and support him but i cant say that i like him as a person. i used to think he was a pretty cool guy who generally wanted to be a good person and i dont see that at all in him anymore. i cant say i really trust the men in service anymore...not romantically anyway.
so what do i do? do i confront him about it? he leaves in a week and after that he's over seas.
|Friday, August 24th, 2007|
|Sunday, June 17th, 2007|
things aren't going quite as well as i had hoped. at this point i thought i would have a plan as far as what i needed to do, things im in the possess of doing, and things i got done. I was hoping i would have more done by this point. it looks like its going to take another month and a half before i can even re evaluate what needs to be done.
over all i guess its just very overwhelming. i thought that since i thought i was done with school and i got a full time job a lot of my problems would be solved and the fact is its been three months and i feel like I'm spinning my wheels.
i guess in a lot of ways i feel like I've been lied to. i am no closer to the finish line then i was two months ago. if feels like the only thing i was aloud to let go of is any dreams of being happy and content with my life.
i dont understand why my karma is this bad. i should have hit some kind of victory by default at this point. there is no reason why i have to do everything three times over just to break even. at that point im to tired to even enjoy it because i'm so behind in everything else.
i dont know what to do. Current Mood: aggravated
|Tuesday, June 5th, 2007|
things are going ok i guess. Im surviving and so are the ones closest to me. I've been worrying over the over all health of a person very close to me. I've been having many dreams about it.
last nights dream i think actually had a message to it. It makes me think that its going to take a while and a lot of small steps but i think things will eventually turn out.
our kind don't die that easily
like another friend said i need to fix my outlook or i am going to make things harder for myself and those around me.
anyway just some thoughts
|Friday, May 18th, 2007|
another Friday night...im glad i am not at work but the weekends are getting uncomfortably long. I sit and think..and wait. i wait for the most important men in my life are no where to be found. I'd drink...but if i drink i'm afraid i'll start crying and won't be able to stop.
i've been called obsessed...crazed...half a dozen other things i don't care to mention, and there are probably right but i don't know what to do with myself. I can't honestly say that i want to change. for what ever reason to change any more of myself would be dishonest.
i would no longer consider myself broken...i guess, left wanting would be a better way to describe it. i'm ok by myself...i can function. i no longer need medication so thats a step up.
I do like my job. it gives me a sense of pride and self worth...and for a while i can even forget about the self loathing for a while.
i do realize how emo i sound right now so you can shut the fuck up. this is the way its been and the way its going to be. feel like i can blow a hole threw something if my body didn't ache so bad.
my family will be going to sleep soon so maybe i will to...perhaps remove any form of temptation and wait for the men to come home and wake me.
...i;m falling into lilith..i'm gonna stop talking now.
|Monday, May 14th, 2007|
been sick so its given me a lot of time to think. maybe a little to much time but thats not the point. the last month and a half has been tough, full of what ifs and i have a better idea who my real friends are. the future still scares me but i guess that will be something i'm going to have to muscle threw as well.
i wish i could say i was scared of one thing but the fact is everything has me spooked. I'm not sure of much right now other then i have a few great friends and some loving family...more then i deserve i think.
well, off to bed. work will be calling soon. Current Mood: intimidated
|Thursday, May 10th, 2007|
i'm not feeling to well right now but over all i think i've accomplished a lot.
things i got done:
i handed in my homework and essays for my last class
i got my cpr card today so i am cpr certified
got my insurance in order so im covered on my own insurance
did what i needed to to help dee get ready for prom
things to do:
patision for my associates
pay off some credit card dept
help get dee a car
help dee for graduation
i guess thats it. Current Mood: exhausted
|Wednesday, March 28th, 2007|
i just finished my third day at my new job at the daycare and i love it. I hurt so bad right now but i still love it. I've been watching all ages but mostly the toddlers. THEY ARE SO CUTE!!!!
well...i'll tell you all a little more later. Current Mood: cheerful
|Friday, March 23rd, 2007|
|Monday, March 19th, 2007|
i don't understand why the only men i can find that are not 19 or 30 who are looking for a one night stand(and not me for that matter) or the ones that want to be friends...JUST friends.
what is so repulsive about me that in the past 3 months no guy has lasted past the first meeting? what do i have to do to get a little attention. I'm done being every bodies best buddy that everyone can talk to. It fucking sucks. it shouldn't be this fucking hard.
if im such a great person then why doesnt anyone want me?
|Saturday, March 17th, 2007|
so i just heard that ash has his final dates and will be leaving for Iraq in august. he should be able to come home for a while before that but he is defiantly going. The Sargent believe that he will be a born leader. he isn't quite sure he wants the responsibility. anyway, keep him in your prayers.
went out with Gerald last night. that was fun. we never got around to discussing energy work but i guess that leaves something to do next time.
Couldn't go to the parade in Chicago cause i hurt my feet pretty badly to the point where there is no way i will be able to keep up. that is kinda a bummer but such is life...maybe next time.
I think I'm going to die my hair today. yup..talk to you all later. Current Mood: good
|Thursday, March 1st, 2007|
a mother's pride
she sits alone on a sleepless night
once the kids are tucked in bed
one more day that the bills are payed
like her late mother always said
she lies down on her pillow with tears in her eyes
cant believe the life she lead
better luck next time, he's not what you need
the man is better off dead
how on earth did it get this bad
this day was never s'pose to come
all the hate that she now holds inside
all the things that he did wrong
she now lies with tears in her eyes
and all is said and done
he lied and left you can't you see?
"I've never felt so dumb"
now she looks upon her babies
so old but yet so young
looks back on all the maybe's
now that all is said and done
she lies in bed with tears in her eyes
and thanks god she's alive
her babies are safe and grown and home
cause she did all she could to survive
dedicated to my mother for being as strong as she was
during such uncertain and difficult times Current Mood: grateful
|Tuesday, February 27th, 2007|
take my heart but please don't break it
love is just a bitter sweet game gone wrong
all i wanted was to love and be loved by you
now that your gone
temtation lies in my heart
with everything you've ever said to me
|Monday, February 26th, 2007|
|You Are The Emperor|
You are an authority figure, and other people look to you for what to do.
You are strong and powerful. Crossing you is not a good idea.
You have worked hard to get to your position, and you're not about to give it up to anyone.
Though you have a warrior heart, you are gentle to those who treat you well.
In the near future, you need to be willing and able to defend those you love.
This may be the time for you to step up and be the authority figure to those around you.
It is time for you to be independent, to become your own person.
You may need to look at your relationship with your father, or your relationships as a father.
|Friday, February 23rd, 2007|
respond with something only you and i would get and...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a colour that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this in your journal
|Wednesday, February 21st, 2007|
so im sitting here at work and im dead tired and i cant find the god damn garbage bags so i can finish the mind numbing experence of shreading all HR files...this bites.
on the up side i finally got my mom to go to sushi station with me for lunch today. that was fun. and for once i actually had the money to treat her to lunch.
my head hurts. and i look like im hung over which is so not fair cause i haven't had anything to drink in over a week. ...doh men you are so lucky you dont have to where make up.....
anyway i think im done bitching...time to get back to work.